“I’m Always the Strong One — But I’m Tired”
Dear Franca,
Everyone thinks I have it together.
I’m the one family calls when there’s a problem. Friends come to me for advice. At work, people rely on me. I’m always the dependable one, the calm one, the “strong” one.
But lately, I’m exhausted.
I’m tired of carrying everyone emotionally while pretending I’m fine. Sometimes I want someone to ask me if I’m okay. Sometimes I want permission not to have all the answers.
Is it selfish to feel resentful about always being the strong one?
— Tired of Holding It Together
Franca Says:
First, let me say something important — being strong does not mean being endless.
A lot of people who are seen as “the strong one” are quietly carrying more than anyone realizes. People often lean on you because you’ve made leaning on you feel safe. But somewhere along the way, many strong people begin believing they are not allowed to need support themselves.
That is where exhaustion begins.
And no — it is not selfish to feel resentful.
Resentment often shows up when your giving has exceeded your replenishment.
It is a signal, not a character flaw.
You may not need to stop being caring. You may need to stop being available at the cost of yourself.
There is a difference.
Strength should not mean emotional self-neglect.
Sometimes the strongest thing you can do is say:
I can’t carry this right now.
I need help too.
I need rest.
That is not weakness. That is honesty.
And let me tell you something many caretakers need to hear: people who support everyone else often struggle to ask for support because they fear disappointing others.
But people who truly love you will not love you less when you have needs.
They may love you more honestly.
Also, pay attention to reciprocity.
Who checks on you?
Who notices when you’re quiet?
Who offers support without being asked?
Those relationships matter.
Invest in those.
And where relationships are one-sided, it may be time to set boundaries.
You are allowed to stop over-functioning for people who under-show up.
Being “the strong one” should never become a prison.
Strength is not carrying everything alone.
Strength is knowing when to put something down.
And maybe this season is asking you to do exactly that.
Because even the person everyone leans on deserves somewhere to lean.
— Franca